Can Purell be used as lube?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
