Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
