I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
