Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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