I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
