Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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