He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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