Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
