i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
