Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
