i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
