i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
