So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
