I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
