I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
