It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
