These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize