Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
