Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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