Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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