I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This baby is an asshole
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
