Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she looked like the before picture.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
