I'm so fucking centered right now
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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