My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
