Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
