I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
