My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
