you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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