i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
