There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
