there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
