I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
