Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
