how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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