Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
