Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
