Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize