It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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