Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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