Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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