I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
