she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
