you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
