I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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