Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
