I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
