New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
