last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
