I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
