tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize