found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
