New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
