He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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