so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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