I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
