I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
