Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My vagina is very pro this idea
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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